Opening Up

Lately I've read several friends blogs where they have really opened up and shared something personal.

While I tend to think of myself as an open book, I know I haven't done that for a looooong time.

So here it goes.

I suffer from something called Body Dismorphic Disorder, or BDD. If you read the description on Wikipedia, please know that my case is mild. No - I've never contemplated hurting myself, I'm not on any medication. I never stopped living my life or taking care of my children EVER.

BDD is something that has been with me for as long as I can remember, except till recently I didn't have a name for it. BDD is commonly associated with the face, and a person's unjustified (or sometimes justified just greatly exaggerated) view of a "flaw" on their face or skin.

For me, it started with the circles under my eyes. I was born with them, they are not due to not getting enough sleep. They are totally permanent. Many times in my life, I've had somebody mention them to me. Once in high school, while waiting in line in the cafeteria, and upperclassmen asked me if I was on drugs.

That was rough.

Eventually I mostly accepted that those circles were a part of me and I began to ignore them.

Then I got pregnant with Sable. Suddenly I realized that two patches of darkened skin had showed up on my upper lip. To me, they looked an awful lot like a mustache. A horribly permanent "mustache" that still remains even though Sable is now 2.

This is where you say, "Get over it Aby." Who cares! You have nothing to worry about! There are people out there with REAL problems, REAL facial issues, REAL things to fret about.

Yes. You are absolutely right. I agree with you! That's what my rational mind tells me. Yet every time I would see those spots, I would think "I am the ugliest person in the world. I upset people when I walk in a room. I make them sick."

Again, yes, I agree this is dumb.

Last year, around this time I sunk deeper into BDD and my own self-loathing. I could not even think about myself. It brought me to tears. A good friend tried so hard to help me. I hope she knows that her McDonald's conversations were oh so appreciated.

The problem was that there was NO amount of "Aby you look just fine" that could snap me out of it.

Here's what finally did.

First, last September I was called as the chorister in the Primary. This is BY FAR the hardest calling I have ever had. I am totally and completely not musical. I love music, but know very little about the technical aspects of it. When I was called, I laughed then cried on the inside.

OH the embarrassment it would entail! I would have to stand in front of all those staring eyes, most horribly - adult eyes.

Yet I accepted, and told myself I would do my best. No matter how hard I shook why trying to lead the music. And shake I did.

Second, last December we visited my parents house for the Holidays. They had Rock Band 2 and wanted to get Jeff to play. Surprisingly, Jeff was cautious about playing at first. I found myself taking the mic, burying myself in a corner and sort-of singing.

Then I found myself begging everybody to play.

OK, so why did these two things "save" me.

The Lord knew I needed to be completely thrown out of my comfort zone. So he threw me into being a Primary chorister. It was so awfully embarrassing for SO many months. I made SO many mistakes (and still do). But as time went by, I shook less and less and learned more and more.

Rock Band also threw me out of my comfort zone. It was something that usually I wouldn't have allowed myself to do and enjoy. Suddenly I wanted to play all the "instruments", I wanted to sing at the top of my lungs. I wanted to be free of my own self and try on another personality.

I'm not going to say that I am cured. BDD is something I struggle with every single day. Some days are better than others. Today I felt a lot of eyes on my face, it was very hard.

Why am I sharing this? Is it for compliments? Certainly not! And I also secretly hope that nobody goes searching for my flaws the next time they talk to me.

I share it because maybe there is somebody reading this that shares this problem. Somebody who doesn't know how to look at themselves in the mirror without wanting to cry. That maybe by reading this they will feel a little hope. And maybe, they will try to look outside of themselves for an answer.